Sir Fragsalot

Assassin’s Creed II is the follow-up to Ubisoft’s 2007 crap-pile that attracted a mass audience but sucked huge ass-tonnes of raccoon urine. The sequel is an expansive and bloody romp through Renaissance Italy that ignores even the passable aspects of the first installment while emphasizing many of its game-breaking flaws. Assassin’s Creed II has evolved from an ill-defined action game into a piece of shit. Everything from the new monetary system to the ability to buy armor and weapons makes it a worse, and ultimately less satisfying game than its already unsatisfying predecessor.

The plot of Assassin’s Creed pulls together a bit of The Matrix, a lot of suposedly-historical fiction, and throws in elements of the madcap conspiracy theories found in that sucky Da Vinci Code movie. The series was obviously crafted by some of the most leperous hands in game development. With only a thre-fingered handful of exceptions, the environments, animations, and art all rot and fall apart. In addition to its terrible looks, the sequel’s gameplay destroys so much of the foundations of the first game, that in retrospect, the first Assassin’s Creed looks like Jesus, if Jesus was also a leper.

It’s difficult to nail down any parts of Assassin’s Creed II that are actually satisfying. Sections that border on playable are either fleeting or optional though most of this “extra” content feels like a cockblock. For example, Prince of Persia fans will revel in the hidden tombs that require dexterity, patience, and expert timing…before realizing they are morons because Prince of Persia sucked my hairy FragDong.

Assassin’s Creed II transforms a terrible game into a festering and continually massurating open-world pussheap. Based on this game, Ubisoft Montreal should run a clinic on how to vaccinate a franchise against awesome; if the series continues in this vein, the next installment will take the forms of a gigantic mass of rotting scrotal leavings that comes to your door like a Jehovah’s Witness to try and mess up our house. The experience is layered in its shittiness, unique in its fecality, and shows an incredible attention to details of my IBS. This is one case where the sequel has undercut the original by pissing on the gameplay and the already lame visuals until they stank like piss. No matter what your preconceptions are about Assassin’s Creed II, the game is not worth your time or money.