I don’t think there’s any doubt about what we were going to pick as GotY09. We didn’t review it ourselves, because we figured the game could speak for itself and didn’t need our help to reel in the 10s and a perfect MetaCritic score. Of course, we were wrong, and the unappreciative shmucks around the failternet gave it somewhere in the 70% to 75% range, instead, but if you’re reading this site, you already know not to pay any attention to that.

We did find one meaningful unboxing from the release of the game, though.

Enjoy our Game of the Year 2009, Club Penguin: Elite Penguin Force.

I love two things: role-playing games, fantasy settings, and games that don’t suck.

Imagine my tears of joy when Dragon Age: Origins was announced. And imagine my tears of pus when it came out and was the video game equivalent of the Twilight movies.

This leaning tower of mediocrity seduced me with its glorious promises and mainstream A+ reviews, then as soon as I closed my bedroom door it ripped off its pretty mask, stepped out of its skin, and pulled my large intestine out through my urethra. Maybe it was the high expectations that did it to me, but I actually feel psychologically damaged after playing this game.

This is a big ol’ DO NOT BUY, folks. Don’t be fooled by the shiny screenshots and hollow promises: they’re just what you’d expect from a game that’s shared a bed with so many mainstream gaming news sites. I don’t care if this thing gets 90s across the board. Who are you going to trust, the professionals who get paid to review these things, or the pure-hearted amateur?

The one and only,
–MasterCaster

Assassin’s Creed II is the follow-up to Ubisoft’s 2007 crap-pile that attracted a mass audience but sucked huge ass-tonnes of raccoon urine. The sequel is an expansive and bloody romp through Renaissance Italy that ignores even the passable aspects of the first installment while emphasizing many of its game-breaking flaws. Assassin’s Creed II has evolved from an ill-defined action game into a piece of shit. Everything from the new monetary system to the ability to buy armor and weapons makes it a worse, and ultimately less satisfying game than its already unsatisfying predecessor.

The plot of Assassin’s Creed pulls together a bit of The Matrix, a lot of suposedly-historical fiction, and throws in elements of the madcap conspiracy theories found in that sucky Da Vinci Code movie. The series was obviously crafted by some of the most leperous hands in game development. With only a thre-fingered handful of exceptions, the environments, animations, and art all rot and fall apart. In addition to its terrible looks, the sequel’s gameplay destroys so much of the foundations of the first game, that in retrospect, the first Assassin’s Creed looks like Jesus, if Jesus was also a leper.

It’s difficult to nail down any parts of Assassin’s Creed II that are actually satisfying. Sections that border on playable are either fleeting or optional though most of this “extra” content feels like a cockblock. For example, Prince of Persia fans will revel in the hidden tombs that require dexterity, patience, and expert timing…before realizing they are morons because Prince of Persia sucked my hairy FragDong.

Assassin’s Creed II transforms a terrible game into a festering and continually massurating open-world pussheap. Based on this game, Ubisoft Montreal should run a clinic on how to vaccinate a franchise against awesome; if the series continues in this vein, the next installment will take the forms of a gigantic mass of rotting scrotal leavings that comes to your door like a Jehovah’s Witness to try and mess up our house. The experience is layered in its shittiness, unique in its fecality, and shows an incredible attention to details of my IBS. This is one case where the sequel has undercut the original by pissing on the gameplay and the already lame visuals until they stank like piss. No matter what your preconceptions are about Assassin’s Creed II, the game is not worth your time or money.

It sucks.

If only we really could be sure that it would be the “final” Final Fantasy game…

The world would be a better place if Squeenix a) changed their stupid freaking name and b) stopped churning out unplayable brain-melting self-indulgence.

Like most of the recent games in the franchise, Final Fantasy XIII is shaping up to be yet another animated art piece. When will they get it into their heads that no one wants to play their ridiculous concept art. I pity the poor fools who are going to pick this game up expecting to be able to actually control those “screenshots”.

Consider yourselves warned!

The one and only,
–MasterCaster

This game doesn’t deserve to have its pitiful existence acknowledged.